Sunday, 30th of August, 2009

Dear Diary,
Panicking again. This is a stressful day. I haven’t done my homework because I was making videos of myself that are useless. Couldn’t find the instrumental for my song for the solo performance tomorrow and I only rehearsed for an hour. And worst of all, I can’t find my student octopus card. I’m not allowed in school without it. Actually I am. But there’s usually a long line at the reception area because it’s just the start of the year and the freshmen haven’t got their cards yet. So if I forget to sign in 3 times, I’ll get a detention. If I get in trouble, I get a panic attack. I have to take care of my heart. It has become too fragile throughout everything I’ve been through.
I called my mom and asked her where the card was. She said that she handed it to me on Friday. She was about to tell me off, so I pretended that I found it. I have to lie because I don’t like my parents worrying about me. I know they love me and just want to protect me, but sometimes it’s too much.
When I was finding my card, I thought about all the bad stuff. Like how I could’ve lost it, and the consequences. So I had a small panic attack. I get panic attacks when I’m stressed out. My attacks usually involve dizziness, loss of consciousness, headaches, and paralysation. Since this was a small one, I just had a major headache.
Stress entered my life at my young age. Since 2008, I’ve been getting panic attacks often. After Year 4, I started worrying about things more. When my parents get mad at me, I take it in too much. That’s why my heart doesn’t feel free like before. It’s always feels tight. Before, I had freedom. But that was before. I have to face the obstacles of life since I’m now growing up. I wish there really was a place like Neverland. You don’t have to grow up. A world without stress and responsibilities. It would be my paradise...
I always try to hide my feelings. I’m not that kind of person like mom or Jessica that really explains what they feel in a mushy way. I’m not like that. But when I can’t take the feelings anymore, I break down. I let it all pour out. I like to express my feelings to myself because I can think. I’d rather type or write than talk, because I don’t have to be careful.
When I get my period, I’m not going to be happy. This is a symbol of turning into a young lady. I don’t want to grow. Because when you grow up, everything changes, everything gets harder. I’ve been thinking what my mom said. When I told her that I was going to Puerto Galera Diving for Challenge Week, she said “If you can’t handle yourself now, how are you able to handle it there?”. I used her quote and based it on growing up. “If I can’t handle it now as a preteen, how am I going to be able to handle it as a teenager or an adult?”. I know I’m not going to handle growing up.
Before the end of this school year, I’m going to be going back to Philippines to study there. I don’t know if it’s a good choice. It’s good because I have freedom there. It’s bad because Philippines is corrupt and my parents aren’t there. I haven’t really made up my mind...
I hate myself. For some reason, I can’t do things my parents tell me to do. For some reason there’s always a temptation that drags me away from doing the right thing. I can’t stop myself from going on to the computer than clean up. I know why I’m like this. It’s because I’m abnormal. I’m stupid and a useless child like my mom says I am. When I tell her this, she keeps saying that I’m not but it’s true because she said it anyway.
When I was younger, lots of boys had crushes on me. When I was younger, when me and my mom were on the streets shopping, a stranger would always stop by, ask me my name and age, say how cute I am, and usually gave me a candy or a toy. That’s what I was like when I was younger. I was popular and loved by everyone. Now, I’m not. Everything has changed. I get uglier and uglier every year. This is what it’s like to grow up.
So, this is a day of a life of a twelve year-old Filipina girl trying to get through her life.

-Erika